Last week, my gymnastics career was ended here at BGSU. Despite the reasoning behind it, it was heartbreaking. I invested 17 years of my life into the sport I love. After numerous surgeries, broken bones, sweat, tears, celebrations, victories, heartache, and more, it was all taken out from under my feet in just a few short seconds. As you can imagine, I felt lost. I felt like a part of my identity was tied to gymnastics and that it had helped shaped the person that I am today. So now what?
Looking back a year ago, I would have never imagined my life being where it is today. And last week after hearing the news, I couldn't believe that this was all coming down on my shoulders. Some of the things I loved most- from my family and friends, to Scott, to gymnastics- was all being taken out of my life. Last Wednesday I felt empty handed, I felt alone, I felt ashamed, like I was being punished.
I haven't shared too much on here about my faith but I think this is a perfect time to do so. I have been a Christian for as long as I can remember. I can't really remember a time when I didn't call myself a follower of Christ. I was involved in a youth group throughout high school and went on a couple retreats and then a mission trip to Monterrey, Mexico. It's safe to say that I was lukewarm in my faith. I knew I believed in God and loved him dearly, but only looked to Him when I needed Him.
My freshman year of college, I stepped back from my faith and pretty much took myself out of the church scene completely- for reasons that I still don't understand today. I enjoyed my freshman year and the material things of this life along with the people I met seemed to satisfied me. I felt like I was doing just fine and that I could handle life without God's intervention.
Well, this year I came back to school and felt unsatisfied and hungry for something more. There was an empty space in my life that I couldn't explain. Pretty quickly into the semester, my boyfriend of a year and I began having problems and I realized that my identity was formed completely by my family, friends, boyfriend, gymnastics, and social life. I look back now and realize what a shaky foundation I had built my life on. Why hadn't I built my foundation on God and my faith? I get frustrated every time I ask myself that question.
I began seeking God. As soon as Scott and I began having problems, I sought God because our relationship was something I NEVER wanted to lose. I hoped that He would help me out. Well, here I am today- without a boyfriend and no longer a gymnast. When I say it, I feel like I should be ashamed about losing those things in my life. But I can honestly say, I'm not. The people that love me and care about me have always seen me as more than what I gave myself credit for. They saw the real me when I was putting my identity in a shaky foundation.
I realize now that God allowed for my life to fall apart because I needed to find my identity in Him. I thought it ironic that the semester I invest in Him the most, the more my life began falling apart. After a lot of praying and reflection, my life is being arranged in His perfect plan. I surrendered my life to Him and He was taking control. God's plan will always prevail.
So now, I am currently applying for jobs, getting the social life I never had time for, and trying to set up my future to be the most that it can be. Through all of this, I have never felt more myself. I have never known myself so well. Until the moment of desperation, heartbreak, and turmoil, I don't believe you will ever truly understand your strength. I have that to be grateful for.
A friend (s/o to Micheal haha) suggested a book to me and I finished it today. It's called "Walking Through the Darkness," by Jeff Warner. It was exactly what I needed to read and hear. God truly reminded me that my suffering is not being done in vain, but for the betterment of His kingdom. What a comfort, right? Redemptive suffering. Such a beautiful experience. I highly recommend this book!
Sorry for yet another really long post, but my hope is that if you too are going through some major life changes or hurt, that you will take a step back and look at the bigger picture. Are you willing to follow God in spite of the hurt that you are experiencing? Join me in the quest for joy and purpose. You're never alone. God is always with you :)
Until next time!
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